Thursday, June 06, 2002



"I can't believe it.... he was so quiet and NORMAL."

"You gotta watch out for the quiet ones."

"She looked so NORMAL, but DAMN, that girl is a FREAK!"

"It's always the normal ones...."

"[insert generic reporter name here], I'm here in [state name], where a series of murders has BAFFLED the community... {town name} was a quiet town. Picket fences line the sidewalks, and children play in the streets. The neighbors NEVER thought THIS would happen, not in THEIR quiet little town."

"I always thought [insert homecoming queen's name here] was so happy, she had it all.... I can't believe she would do something like this."

In a nutshell, if you want to avoid the true dangerous crazies, here's some steps to follow:
> stay away from small, quiet towns
> NEVER move in next door to someone who keeps a wood chipper in their backyard ALL THE TIME
> NEVER move in next door to a single, quiet, NORMAL-looking man who's charming and who has train sets and hand puppets
> NEVER move next door to someone who's nice at first, but occasionally a little frightening
> never move into a neighborhood that's nice, quiet, and perfect norman rockwell
> never move into a neighborhood with a lot of nice quiet people and a drastically alternating pet and animal population
> Never move in next door to someone who has a picket fence surrounding their yard and a gingerbread cottage theme running over their house
>never move into a neighborhood frequently featured in the news beginning with the line "It was a quiet little town, until one day...."


OK. So I have successfully ousted myself as a non-normal. Then again, I think that was probably out there from day 1. Either way, my gripe is, after all the evidence of murderer's "normal" behaviour, how are we as a society still so unawares of what's going on around us and sometimes right next door to us?

In my case, just as an example, I was assaulted a couple of years ago. The guy who did it LOOKED completely normal, like someone you'd take home to meet the parents. Turns out, the guy had quite the record. Repeat offender, violating parole, pseudo-recovering CRACKHEAD. I mean, COME ON. The worst part: The cops put ME on trial. They asked me things like Did I start the fight, did I provoke this guy in any way, what was I WEARING? CHRIST! I looked the sergeant in the eye and asked him if his department always blamed the victim or if this was some sort of old policy from pre-women's sufferage days that they just never threw out. he got so flustered that he started making EXCUSES for this guy that nearly beat me to death. The guy was drunk, he was drinking JACK DANIELS (which, truth be known, I can out away quite a bit of Jack myself, but I don't go out afterward and try to kill people I don't know), etc. I can't even explain how furious I was. I ended up doing all the detective work the police shoould have been doing, and I tracked the guy down, brought the cops pictures, and gave them his name and address. I don't even have any training in that one, and it was done in a week.

When we got to the trial date, my father and mother came with me. My father was waiting to get a good look at this guy, and when he saw him, he asked me if I was SURE this was the guy. he asked if the guy looked that way when he beat me up, and I said yeah. Dad was upset. He was expecting some horrible beast of a man, and what he got was a baby-faced conservative-looking kid.

My point is, WHY do we keep this impression that normal is better, when the so-called normal people are the most messed up ones psychologically? If we want to take it one step further of how fact is stranger than fiction: FILM STORIES. Seriously. We watch these films with women and men who appear EXTRA normal, and they turn out to be the most heinous villains. One film I can think of is The In Crowd, where a rich bitch befriends a "working class" girl, then totally goes more insane than she was, and tries to frame miss workergirl as a murdering psycho. Everyone suspects that the workergirl is a murderingpsycho, and they lock her up. Rich bitch goes free to kill again. It finally takes one of the rich bitch's own kind to figure out the truth, and they devise a plan to show everyone at the country club that the rich bitch is the real psycho and has been a serial murderer for some time. So, to spoil the movie: End scene there's a watery swimming pool conflict between rich bitch and workergirl, FINALLY everyone SEES that this chick is TRULY off her rocker, and only then do they stop persecuting the Outsider. The rich bitch psycho then goes on to make a speech, completely flipping out and showing her contempt for everyone at the countryclub, telling them STILL that the workergirl was an Outsider, and CRAZY, and that she, the rich bitch, was not crazy.... Denial. Gotta love it.

So as a society, think about this one: we're DOOOMED. We work so hard at finding things we consider "normal" and therefore "safe" that we have begun to breed psychosis and murder into the society, and push out the "freaks" (who are usually the more adjusted individuals, and who go on to make up 90% of the artists, geniuses, inventors, mathematicians, and scientists, by the way). And this is a good thing WHY?

Time to smell the coffee... seriously.

>The U.S. has a great athletics department in most of the public schools.... not enough funding half the time for the arts and music programs, but wow, they have great-looking football and basketball uniforms, don't they?

>The U.S. (oddly enough) is ranked amongst the lowest in the world in education-- you mean Football isn't Physics?

>The U.S. has a habit of paying next to nothing for teachers and nurses... and then wonder why the healthcare and education systems suck.

>Traditionally U.S. corporations cut back their training departments the minute a recession hits or they haven't met the numbers they were hoping to hit, thus sacrificing quality products and potentially even the safety of everyone involved-- including the consumer. You think factory workers in a pharmaceutical company just KNOW how to work heavy machinery? There's someone out there who trains them, and who keeps them up to speed.

>A company will hire you if you have experience, but only if you don't have enough of a degree backing that experience to ask for more money.

>A masters degree will get the response "needs more experience" for a position that asks for an instructional designer with no experience. Don't ask me... it happened to me. Later found out my would-be job was usurped by a recent graduate with a four-year Bachelors degree, who needed a greencard to work in this country and who barely (and I mean BARELY spoke English).

>So basically, if I'm reading this right, the US wants everyone to be educated and up-to-speed on everything, HOW exactly? Everyone's expected to be well-adjusted and happy-normal WHY?

On one hand we have Hollywood showing us that popularity is everything, geeks and freaks are not to be accepted, YET-- the popular "normal" ones are shown on news reports as having grown up and graduated to become the quiet ones we warn each other about, police having found 20 bodies in the basement. And those ones always make the best thriller movies, don't they?

How many times do we HONESTLY see a true FREAK in the news? There was Columbine, yes, but honestly, look at those kids. They weren't true freaks. Listening to Rammstein (which, by the way, when translated to english turns out to be mostly love songs, believe it or not) or KMFDM does not make you a "goth" by any means. As sorry as I feel for the parents of the kids that died, I feel more sorry that those kids that did it were labelled goth. Anger is for channeling to the written word. Sadness is the stuff of suicide. A true goth would have died quietly with a suicide note ranting at the cruel world that killed them-- not gone into a school and taken those that hurt them with them. Totally not goth behaviour. And how many warning signs were there? Geez. After that, suddenly the schools became more "compassionate" toward their "freak" crowds... PLEASE. They just found the evidence they needed to invade the poor kids' privacy even more, and get the goodguy badge for doing it.

Besides, any REAL goth can tell you, if you're a goth, you NEVER claim to be a goth. I'm not a goth, either.

Sooo.. I have theory on this one. I think the reason people in general tend to block out next-door serial murderers is because they consider themselves "normal" and "safe. The guy next door-- sure he drags heavy bags out to the curb and sure they leak blood from time to time, but he LOOKS "normal" and is therefore "safe. The lil freak kids down the road who tend to get rowdy on occasion when drinking, well, clearly THEY'RE odd and therefore devil worshippers and naturally are sacrificing humans to the devil, better call the cops. *please note my heavy sarcasm here*

I think the worst thing I ever did in my highschool years was stay up for three days straight at my friend Jen's house (we had an all-weekend sleepover). We watched movies, dyed our hair purple and red with Kool-Aid, then on the morning of the third day, we sat out on the roof of her garage, watching the sunrise. Her neighbors (who were terrified of us for some reason) came outside, and we called out to them and said hello. They ran back inside. We got giddy and decided to mess with them. Next time they came out, we asked them if they knew why boats were disappearing in the Bermuda Triangle, then replied that Elvis needed the boats.

OOooohhh.. watch out, we're so terrifying! Oh my goth!

In conclusion, I believe society is doomed to failure, because almost everyone is so terrified of the smart people with creative ability that they would rather breed with the star athlete instead-- who has severe self-esteem issues, and is completely repressed, and wow, what about that genetic psychosis running on both his mom and dad's bloodlines? FUN. Gimme some of THAT for my kids! So instead, the "freaks" --aka the well-adjusted individuals with intelligence and enlightenment-- are being outcast along with the educated, the creative, and the logical from society's general genepool to make way for the athletic, the superior build (nope.. no drugs THERE), and the psychotic tendencies. We're supposed to be sooo advanced, and yet we're still thinking with the things between our legs.... So much for the "thinking" animal. Society will eventually be as dumb and non-functional as a box of purebred dalmations.

Or will the serial killers thin the herd?

Wednesday, June 05, 2002



The Munsters... proving yet again just how society functions. In this episode the local normal kid wants to play with Eddie Munster, and he threatens him with exposure and blackmails him to do what he wants, bullying poor law-abiding Eddie Munster into doing something he doesn't want to do.

And how often have _I_ seen THAT happen? Way too often. Too much I've seen the "normal" and "god-fearing" people performing heinous acts of moral disgrace. And who gets blamed? The goths, the punks, the "freaks". How often have we seen it in the news? Always the slack-jawed neighbors are interviewed by the local news after some mass homicide or something TRULY twisted, and the neighbors ALWAYS have the SAME DAMNED RESPONSE: "Uhhhh.. I can't b'lieve it... he was so quiet", "Wow... she was so normal, I never would have expected it, she was so polite." And let's not forget the famous ones: "They were always very quiet and very polite. They never bothered anyone." --until they crashed two planes into the World Trade Center, of course. Why we haven't started to investigate the most seemingly normal people I don't know. Wrap yer teeth around this juicy tidbit, here's some more folks who were considered normal and non-threatening by those that knew them-- and just to show that women ARE as messed in the head as men, I'm including them here, too:

Jeffery Dahmer
Lizzy Borden
Ed Gein
Ted Bundy
Susan Smith-- a mother and a killer
John Wayne Gacy-- ok.. granted, he was a clown, but come on.. symbol of cheer.. eek
Lorena Bobbit-- not a serial murderer, but she wasn't all there, either
Beverly Allitt-- pediatric nurse
Albert De Salvo (interesting tidbit here, he was honored for his "Service" to his country by the State of TX-- the guy is also known as The Boston Strangler...
Joe Ball-- unassuming tavern owner who had some alligators as pets....
Adolph Hitler-- no one saw it til it was waay too late
Peter Kurten-- aka The Dusseldorf Vampire, married even, but described in hindsight (always, right?) as "a narcissistic psychopath" and "a king of sexual perverts"...
John George Haigh-- aka The Acid Bath Murderer. This guy made FRIENDS with those he intended to kill, and drank their blood. FUN.

Just to name a few...

So my point is, the true freaks are your most average, normal, everyday, friendly unassuming next door neighbor. Bet they have a basement full of bodies and a skeleton in every closet--no pun intended.

So quit bothering the "freaks". They're the most normal because they aren't repressing.
And they're the safest neighbors to have. :)


I was chatting on MSN's instant mess with friend-Christian from Legion Studios when he gave me a link to his own personal web journal..... Well, I'm a voyeur, so I went and looked. One of his entries was about a friend of his saying "Moosecock!"

I almost peed myself laughing, because this brought back memories of 1996, it was a nice day, and the JCSC Cafeteria Crew were in full effect, hanging out on The Wall (which had a subsequent 35 foot drop to solid concrete, but that's where we loved to hang out while drunk). I admit it, I was drunk, and a few of my friends were more than drunk and about as stoned as your average rock quarry. We were all sitting there, and one of our friend's hats fell over the edge of the wall, and I said something to the effect of, "That sucks some major moosecock."

My one friend looked at me, blinked in that squinty fashion, and scratched out "What?!"
I looked right back at her and said, "MOOSECOCK!"

It became a popular phrase around the cafe, shouted at the cafeteria workers who looked at us a little too long while we created 7 foot sculpture from our garbage. Eventually the workers took our salt and pepper shakers so we would have nothing to build with, so we stole more from other tables. The workers kept taking them from our table, so as a revenge tactic, we systematically took ALL the salt and pepper shakers from every table in the cafeteria, and hid them behind one of our area's booth chairs. Sick thing is, after the workers found them, they put them all back out on the tables for people to use-- from off the gross sticky spider-webby floor. GACK!

So imagine my surprise when I see this same word pertaining to moose genitalia mentioned in my friend's journal! I will not claim that I am the origin of this phrase, however, merely a moosecock revivalist.

I am, however, the inventor of "Mansonite" to describe those weird lil spooky kids.

So... in ending... Christian's telling of the Moosecock Joke, as only he can tell it via MSN's Instant mess:

Puff Chrissy says:
Okay, okay. So there are two Canadians on a long trip in this pick-up truck. The radio isn’t working and they have run out of things to talk about, so the driver says, ‘Want to play Twenty-Questions?’ The other Canadian goes: ‘Okay. Go ahead and think of something.’ So the driver is thinking and thinking, and he finally comes up with something: moosecock.
‘Okay, I have something. Ask the first question.’ The other Canadian says, ‘Hmm…is it something that you can eat?’ The driver thinks about it and says ‘Well, I guess you could if you wanted to.’ The other Canadian says, ‘Moosecock?’ "

Tuesday, June 04, 2002



So my friend Monica just brought all the memories I'd been fighting against-- and some I didn't even know I HAD-- flooding to the forefront of my brainnnnns....

Wow... after looking at this '80's site, I realized just how much of the 80's I missed as a child. I lived in a less-than-populated area until 4th grade. (And although this will inevitably sound like a skit parents would use on their kids, i swear it's all true) We only got one TV station. Channel 12. It was as if someone had a non-funded PBS station (no muppets except for the Muppet Show at 7pm on Friday nights-- assuming Billy Graham, damn his eyes, didn't have a "special presentation" on at the time) mixed with the worst news and talk programs of CBS. NOt much for a kid to look forward to, and by the end, even the Saturday morning cartoons were being cutback for more football games.

I actually dressed up like Boy George for Halloween in fourth grade. Would it hurt my 'I'm mostly straight' argument if I admitted to having had a HUGE crush on Boy George? If I am gay, I blame the 80's. Damn straight-- no pun intended. I mean, seriously. What did I have to look up and teach me sexuality in my formative years? Annie Lenox as my TV dad and Boy George as my TV mom? Or vice versa? Where could I go from there? It was fashionable to look like a girl if you were a guy, and to look like an androgyne if you were a girl. I pranced through the late-end of metal and punk... And then I became a goth... where the 80's have found permanent residence, and gender lines are constantly challenged... Dear sweet jebus. It's a wonder I have any straightness left in me at all... Maybe Pat Benatar should be my scapegoat....

Onward and upward to the present. I STILL like to dress in men's suits (they're COMFORTABLE! Way more comfy than a woman's crappy suit), women love me, and men want to BE me... or is it the other way around? Damn you 1980's!!!!!

I need to go on a retreat and try to find my inner gender. Last time I checked, the outside was still a woman. just gets mixed up in the head on occasion with my views on relationships, jealousy, being one-of-the-guys, etc, etc. I'm just not a lot in the bitch department.

There should be an 80's support group and free councilling for all of us who suffered the 80's. Some sort of 80's crisis hotline, 'Help! My hair isn't high enough and they discontinued my favorite hair spray cuz it killed the seals!!'

You know... shit like that. :)

Oh yeah, has anyone seen my tub of Dippity-do? My Robert Smith do is horridly flat since the '90's...


So that's what I'm going through at the moment. I have a sneaking suspicion it might just be lettuce.... either way it's CAUGHT, and I cut all my nails off, so it will have to stay stuck until I can pry it out with a toothbrush.....

ARRRRGH!!! DAmmit, I'm gonna have to go get the toothbrush now.. Dammit damiit dammit!!!


OK... Finally got whatever was stuck in my tooth out, and to my shock and amazement, it wasn't lettuce... I felt vaguely disappointed. I was waiting for this powerful sense of AH-HA! at wresting this errant piece of lettuce from my tooth, only to be thwarted by whatever it was I pulled out. Damn. I feel cheated.


Mellow, twisted it. I had an interview at one of the best media colleges in the WORLD yesterday, and actually got called back for a stand-up test. As excited as I am, I'm praying that I haven't forgotten everything I ever learned from my media degree, since my stand-up test is an hour long lecture in front of a classroom of potentially 120 people, including a council of peers. How terrified am I?

The folks and even Dante seem to think I'll have no problem passing this test with flying colors. I, however, have begun a mad internet dash and a re-reading of all my media technique books so that I will be as up to speed as I used to be before I was swallowed whole by Corporate America. As scared as I am of actually doing this, I'm looking forward to it, as well. Once I get over my stage fright, I could be really happy about this job. Assuming I get hired, of course.

Terrifying, exciting, thrilling. The pursuit of Something New. And at a university where it seems I might just fit in. I'm not sure what scares me more: failure, or success and having a place where I can be happy at work.... I guess I got so used to stress and being unsatisfied--and worse, unappreciated-- that now that I have this opportunity, failure is not an option. I want this more than I want anything, and I will do my very best to get it. The door is open, and being held open for me. Who am I to refuse the invitation???

Sunday, June 02, 2002



Wow.. it looks so much more scary when it's all written out like that.... Like I might actually have something wrong with me.

Yesh, we have established the manic and the depressed part of me. At least, I think I did. If not, I am, and no, I HAVEN'T taken my pills, dammit!!! Not yet, anyway. The doctors and shrinks teamed up and turned me into a psychiatric guinea pig, put me on Zoloft (and we found out what happens to a manic depressed person when THAT drug is introduced--bad bad things), then got scared when I quit the Zoloft cold turkey. That's right. Cold turkey, and IT SUCKED. Next drug was Celexa, which seemed to work a lil better, and I actually don't have to take it like i used to, which is good. I'm an active girl with an active day. Don't have time to take drugs. Don't have the patience to be dependant on them either.

As to the OCD, yeah, I'm that too. And sometimes that's even worse than the rock-bottom depression. Most people have this impression of an obsessive-compulsive as being a chronic hand-washer or neat-freak, but there's more types of OCD than just that. In my case, it's chronic neat-freak-ness as well, but most of the time certain thoughts and memories keep running through my head non-stop. This week I have a sneaking suspicion that someone I hate has an online journal, so I've begun reading other folks' online journals in the hope of discovering --what? I have no clue. I KNOW it's crazy, duh, I'm just kind of unable to stop this speeding train of thought. I've actually had to sit down and meditate on BREATHING just to shut my mind up. It's frustrating, and one of the few reasons I miss taking my pills. Mind silence. No looping thought patterns, no OCD. I find it acts up when I'm bored, when there's not twenty things going on outside my head to keep my brain occupied. It's aggravating, because the major part of my brain is over everything from the past, even at peace with everything because RATIONALLY I can look at everything and say, 'yes, it all served a purpose and things will get better now.' while the other, smaller part of my brain is still IN the past, reliving everything and wishing for different outcomes, suspecting that if it could just show PROOF to the rational part that it's not insanity talking, then the full brain would be involved in this insane wild goosechase. It's annoying. I can see the loop, already know what's in it, and I know I don't want it, but it just keeps going. It's lessened slightly since I started doing more meditating, but it flares up when I haven't slept-- Last night was the worst. Pants was crying at the door for half the night, then stopped, then started up again at 5am..... I spread peppermint leaves all over the floor in hopes it would act like catnip and chill her out. It worked to an extent, thank god... And Dante SNORED.... more than usual. I have to admit, in the department of stupid human tricks he's got a few. Last night he managed to snore out of his mouth AND nose AT THE SAME was so LOUD. I ended up just going onto the couch in the living room-- and the snoring RESONATED... How tempted I was to put the pillow over HIS head at that point. I stood in the middle of the living room and yelled at Pants and Dante to shut the hell up or they were BOTH getting hit with the water bottle. That was at 6am.... And then Dante woke me up at 8am, 9am, and finally 10am with the damned alarm clock. He had the NERVE to tell me how he had such a hard time getting up, and why was he so tired....Lucky bastard sleeps like the dead.

Yeah. So. Nights like last night are most likely the cause of most of my mental issues. That and my insanity.